An Exposé on the Extraordinary Franz Sigel

It’s a titty sweating 88 degrees here today. I’ve been without air conditioning and I’m kinda tired of sweating so instead of cutting the grass or working on the house I figured I’d write. Today we’re gonna step out of the usual writing wheelhouse (AKA Mr Bones’ Wild Ride) and tell the story of Franz Sigel, who may be America’s first DEI hire. I don’t have my grammar assistant on so I apologize for any mistakes. Ackshually, I don’t.

Diversity, Equity, Inclusion

DEI (sometimes written as DIE: Diversity Inclusion Equity) has about one million definitions. A cursory glance from one of your favorite search engines will deluge you with endless definitions, most of which are both fairly empty and inconsistent. Naturally, that’s usually your first sign you’re dealing with a form bullshit. I’m a blue collar guy and prefer to keep things simple. So for the sake of this article we’re gonna define DEI as: an ineffective and retarded professional preference scheme based upon qualifiers that no one has control over. This means preference based upon your race, ethnicity, sex, height, etc. Considerations based upon qualifications, past performance, experience, etc are ancillary or not considered at all.

While DEI today is an industry unto itself and may invoke apocalyptic visions of model minorities crashing commercial jetliners or a masked up transobesity covidphobes destroying office morale, believe it or not, it is not a new concept. To begin this ancient case of DEI we need to time travel back to 1840’s Germany. We step into a pub. It’s filled with smoke and smells of stale lager. At a table sits a short man with a dark complexion, and stone face. He stares into this distance pondering. His name? Franz Sigel. German liberal, academic, soldier extraordinaire. Little does he know but he is about to arguably be America’s first DEI Hire.

Der Kleine Franz

Little Franz entered the world in November of 1824, The third child and eldest son of Moritz and (take a deep breath) Anna Marie Pauline Lichtenauer Sigel. Moritz was a well educated lawyer and fond of the liberal ideas that were circulating the globe at the time. This, of course, influenced Franz’s worldview. Franz read often and took a personal interest in the art of war. He was a fan of the great Napaleon Bonparte and could recite from memory verse and chapter his exploits. He was accepted into the Karlsruhe Academy and was trained in the evil arts of Germanic warfare. He graduated the academy in 1843 and took a commission as a Leutnant in the Grand Duchy of Baden. Franz struggled with the ruling order and did not appreciate the treatment of the German lower classes. After a young adjutant was wronged by a fellow officer, Franz stuck up for him and this culminated in a duel. Franz mortally wounded the offender. While this won him over with his comrades, he was chastised by his superiors and imprisoned for the offense. Feeling his career was over Franz decided to leave the military (this is the first time) and go to school to be a lawyer just like his good ol’ pa Moritz.

1848

In 1848 Europe exploded in revolution. The kids were bored and tired of the boomers setting the rules. Freikorps (free corps) of men began to be formed. Franz came from a liberty minded family who was fond of American gigachads George Washington and Thomas Jefferson. He dreamt of a German federal state ran similar to America. To be clear, he was of one ideological faction during these revolutions. Others would include the Marxists with foot fetishes, early socialists that wanted $15/hr minimum wage and free subscriptions to play station +, and then you had the weirdos like Fett Gustav, who when they weren’t smelling their own fingers, fantasized about a French-esque revolution where they drug around a guillotine and liberalized heads from people’s bodies. Anyways..

Franz being both educated and one of the few revolutionaries with formal officer training was enlisted to lead a local Freikorps. There he met with other dreamers such as Friedrich Hecker (pictured above.) With their heads in the clouds the Freikorps marched off to liberate The Fatherland. Here is where we see the German lower classes flock to Franz Sigel’s banner and fight for Die Freiheit, right? Hahah No. The revolutionary troops first campaign fell right on it’s face. They were elbow dropped by the aristocracy in Lake Constance, The Black Forest, Freiburg, and Württemberg. Their odds were shit, but we have to give them an A for effort, right? Anyways, this led to Franz ending up in Exile.

In May of 1849 the fires of revolution flared up for a third time. Again, Franz answered the call. By the 29th of May he was marching towards Heppenheim hoping to fan the flames of the revolution. The Hessians patiently awaited Franz and his Freikorps. Once they faced off, Franz ordered his cavalry to charge… right into canister shot from the Hessian cannons. Franz and his boys were fairly mauled and thrown into disarray. There were follow up engagements at Laudenbach and Hemsbach which ended with the revolutionaries being routed. Despite his battlefield losses (what are we at now 7 total?) Franz was known to lead from the front and he, like many other comrades, would find his shako resembling Swiss cheese after a battle. Franz didn’t have a lack of balls (or eggs, as they say in German.)

After all of these defeats and retreats the councils decided to shake up leadership but had few options. Sigel, despite him racking up a professional record of 0-7, was admired for his tenacity and mettle on the battlefield. Enough so that he was appointed to lead the Army again in June of 1849. On the horizon was a massive Prussian Army led by Moritz Von Hirschfeld who promptly sent a message to the revolutionaries: “Prepare ur anus gg lol.” Franz and his army met Moritz outside of Waghausel on the 21st of June. The revolutionaries had initial success but soon Prussian reinforcements arrived and put an end to any illusions of victory. Again they retreated. Soon they took up positions around Rastatt where Franz Sigler’s Freikorps acquitted itself well in the defense, going sas far as pushing a Prussian infantry regiment back. Small victory (we’ll give him 1 for this okay?) but soon the artillery began booming and ground Sigel’s Freikorps down. Franz was forced to retreat back to Rastatt where a month long siege began to take place. Sigel kept his tattered army outside of the Rastatt but once the fortress fell the band of masochistic soldiers was left with no option but to retreat once and for all, across the Rhine to Switzerland. Franz Sigel’s final record in the World Fighting Organization of 1848 amounted to an abysmal 1 win to 9 losses.

The Yankee “Dutchman”

Franz spent a few years enjoying exile in Switzerland. He spent time in various pursuits, an important one being the learning of English. I have no doubts his was better than mine! Prussia, having not forgiven Franz for being a liberal prick, was busy sending spies to capture him and bring him back for trial. Sensing the temperature rising in Switzerland Franz planned his escape. He bid farewell to his Swiss Frauleins and took off for France, then England, then in 1852, to the United States of America.

Franz was one of thousands of Germans who were leaving to try their hand at life in the United States. In fact so many Germans had emigrated that there was nativist pushback, especially from the Southern States. Germans did not have an easy go and were stereotyped as being slouchy retard “Dutchmen.” Not to be confused with being an actual Dutch man which is a fate way worse than being German in any day or age. Dutchmen as relative to how Americans pronounced “Deutsch.” Doy to Duh.. you know what? We’re not here for phonetics. Whatever.

Herr Sigel took to life in the United States fairly well. He married up, started popping out kids. Well not him but his old lady. He landed good work teaching and was involved with his local turnverein and such. He was also a legend amongst German-Americans for being the retard in a helmet who keeps beating his head against the wall until he passes out. The papers fluffed his German military service up so much it never made it to the birthday girl. Sigel engaging in his new American home became a die-hard republican, a citizen, bought a gun, a lifted dodge ram, and moved to Missouri. There he became a superintendent of the public school in St. Louis. 1860 was an election year and Sigel used his notoriety to canvas for the Republican Abraham Lincoln. Man it’s great to have friends in high places, eh?

American Civil War & The DEI General

In 1861 war was on the Horizon. While the sides were defining themselves Lincoln needed to mass as much support as possible.

Franz enlisted in a local volunteer unit in February of ‘61 as a 2nd Lieutenant. Despite his shit-ass record of 1-9, due to his German ethnicity, military service that was fluffed to the point of demigod status by newspapers, political connections, and popularity with German-Americans he was politically promoted to Colonel and thus begins Franz Sigel’s story as arguably the first DEI appointment in American History.

With Sigel’s appointment many other “Dutchmen” enlisted into federal ranks. I shit you not, “We fights mit Sigel!” was their slogan. Despite not having done anything other than being German, Sigel soon found himself promoted yet again, courtesy of Abraham Lincoln, to Brigadier General. Franz Sigel’s first bout in the new world was scheduled for July 4th. Later to be known as “The Battle of Carthage.” He was attempting to cut off the retreat route to rebel forces but ended up being duped into a fight where he was outnumbered 4-1. Despite losing (1-10) he was commended for executing a “masterly” retreat.

Later in August, despite being outnumbered, Sigel defied all military logic and proposed to his commander that they split their numerically inferior forces to attack the Rebels at Wilson’s Creek. Here too, It ended in disaster. Again, Sigel executed a solid retreat and amassing a professional record of 1-11.

At this point other officers began to take note of Sigel’s command. One remarked “Superior in battlefield Theory, incompetent in battle, excellent at the organized retreat.” Like a good DEI appointee, Sigel ignored his shitty performance and accused his critics of being “nativist,” “Anti-German,” “West point good old boys club.” There was perhaps some small truth in this but generally he was just being ridiculous, and well.. a sauer kraut.

March 8 1862. We’re at Pea Ridge. The gravity of battle is about to shift. After morning success, Brigadier General Sigel won’t bring his troops to field but is considering an organized retreat. While trying to Convince General Curtis to retreat from the field a subordinate arrives with a plan to deploy in a perfect location to take on the Rebs. Almost by dumb luck Sigel deploys and then charges the Rebel Army which earned him his first victory in the new world.

Sigel’s performance here earned him another promotion to Major General.

Moving East

In June of 1862 Major General Franz Sigel was ordered to Harpers Ferry, Virginia under General Pope. The Armies here have been struggling dealing with guerilla tactics and incursions from Thomas “Stonewall” Jackson. Sigel’s reputation proceeds him and like any quality asshole, he proved everything to be true. His abrasive behavior and blundering earned him a level of distrust from Pope. Naturally Sigel took this opportunity, not for self reflection, but to start screaming “Dat’s Racist!” and sending letters off to Washington. Doing their best impressions of millennial teens on AOL instant messenger, Pope and Sigel start to bicker through telegram and letter. The orders and responses became sarcastic and snarky. Sigel was ordered to report every little thing he did and feeling micromanaged began to curse Pope.

August 8th of 1862 the Rebel army made a move towards Culpepper Virginia. Pope ordered Sigel to move out ASAP. Sigel, however, was taking forever, not sure of what road to take to Culpepper. He sends a messenger to headquarters asking for advice on which route to take which sent Pope into a rage screaming in regards to the “stupid and slow German.” It turns out, there was only one road/route between Sigel’s position and Culpepper. lol, lmao.

August 9th Rebel leader Thomas “Stonewall” Jackson took full advantage of the mollasses like movement of the Federals and made a dash to fight the separated units. Pope, realizing the situation, started to take up positions south of Culpepper assuming Sigel would be on his way. Turns out, Sigel was waiting on supplies and still deliberating his path to Culpepper.

Well, what became “The Battle of Cedar Mountain” started to rage. By 7pm the Union lines started to crack under the weight of the Rebel assault. They began to retreat just in time, for you know who, the retreat master himself, Franz Sigel, to show up. When asked why he was so late Sigel claimed his messenger was captured, which luckily for him, turned out to be true. 2-12.

Sigel again went into the fray August 29th 1862. He put up an admirable fight but alas, was driven from the field yet again. 2-13.

With his constant riffing with other Army officers and piss poor showing on the field the decision was made to order Sigel to the defense of DC. He threatened his resignation, then rescinded it (this was a common theme for him) and due to his ego landed himself in a 2nd rate command in Pennsylvania. He did well here, he literally couldn’t fuck up. Good job Franz!

Feeling competent (and what DEI hire can survive feeling competent?) Franz started to bombard everyone with letters requesting to be given a command. The Army was not interested but German-Americans wouldn’t have it. They felt Sigel had been given a poor go of it, thrown to the wolves by nativist officers. Fortunately for Sigel, and only for Sigel, it was an election year.

1864

Lincoln was aware that he was losing support of his Germans. They felt underappreciated and the war was dragging on. He was in luck because his favorite Teutonic fan boy, Franz Sigel campaigned again for the Republicans. For this Abraham Lincoln, despite protests from his own command, made official Sigel’s transfer on Feb 29th from Pennsylvania to The Department of West Virginia. This replaced an ineffective commander with a popular leader. Naturally, this appeased a large portion of the German-American population securing their vote in the upcoming election. Sigel received his transfer orders on March 10 and headed off to his new Command. At first, Sigel did well in shaping the Department of West Virginia back up. However, he soon imported a German officer staff, which wasn’t well received. Performance flagged due to Sigel’s insistence on sticking to Prussian drilling and the fact his officers didn’t command English well enough to communicate effectively. This soon caused riffs in his Corps command.

Grant had taken control of the union army and on March 29th and sent General Ord to report to Sigel with orders to assemble and destroy the Virginia and Tennessee Railroad. Sigel, not happy with Grant’s plan, began to dispute and riff with General Ord. Sigel again contemplated resignation. But not before screaming “Dats racist!” and launching letters off to Washington. Ord Requested to be removed from Sigel and on Apr 19th this was granted, by Grant. Don’t take Grant for granted.

On May 2 Sigel was ordered to be ready for advance. The 9000 strong corps set off on another expedition. Issues became apparent almost immediately. Not only were supply lines being threatened by rebel cavalry but Sigel and his German officers, due to their lack of command of the English language, were unable to effectively control their federal divisions. Wrong orders, directions. The morale of the corps took a massive blow and cost Sigel the respect of his soldiers. On May 15 Sigel entered the fray again at New Market. Again, he was late. Again, he had split his forces, and Again he ordered the retreat. Hoooo-ly Fuckin’ Shitballs Captain. This was Sigel’s biggest loss yet and a costly one. We’re at 2 and 14.

By May 21 Siegel had been relieved of his command. Despite his shit ass record of 2-14 and being a recently defeated general, Siegel was offered command of the reserve at Harpers Ferry. Siegel spent his time supporting other commands and chasing partisan incursions into the area. By July Robert E Lee sensed an opportunity (I mean why the fuck not right?) and ordered Jubal Early’s corps into the Shenandoah Valley. Siegel had command of 10,000 men who he felt weren’t equipped appropriately. General Grant underestimated the Seriousness of Early’s incursion and believed Sigel would be able to handle the threat. Without much a fight Siegel retreated to Maryland Heights allowing the rebels to torch Martinsburg costing thousands of dollars worth of supplies to be put to torch or looted. 2 wins and 15 losses for General DEI. At what point do you just look in the mirror and think “Bro, you suck.”

This was it for Grant. By July 15th Sigel was removed from command entirely. He spent the Winter in Baltimore and by May 4th of 1865 had resigned from military service entirely.

Aftermath

Sigel, never sobered up to the reality that he was no Julius Caesar. He always felt he was hung out to dry and blamed the situations on Anti-German/Nativist sentiments. It is true that Germans faced adversity from plenty of the older American population but at some point you have to consider other metrics.

The lesson here is this: Franz Sigel wasn’t a bad person or even fully incompetent. He spoke multiple languages, founded a newspaper (Baltimore Wecker,) entered politics, and became a bureaucrat for the nation he loved. He just really, really sucked at being an officer. That’s okay. Nobody is perfect. Franz was insecure about his ethnicity, but you know what? We’re all insecure about some things. Some guys have foot fetishes, others smell like baby poop. Franz eventually overcame his shortcomings and you know what? He even campaigned and worked for now President Grant later on. Sigel was offered these jobs because of his ability, however, not because of his ethnicity. It is comical to me that even today, people who are put into positions they aren’t competent in, look for every other excuse other than their own performance to blame. “Racist, sexist, homophobic, ageist,” whatever. Sigel had exactly the same reaction more than a century ago. That’s something to think about. Maybe this will make the world a better place for DEI hires and not.

That’s the story of Franz “Yankee Dutchman” Sigel, America’s first DEI hire. I hope you enjoyed.